Yet another blog where a sarcastic, insane 20 something music major writes about the really odd thoughts that crowd her brain.
All you basically need to know is I really love choral music, food, being a troll and Darren Criss.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
I've spent most of my summer alone with the exception of my parents and about two or three friends...this has give me a lot of time to talk to God and to examine myself. I've learned some things and thought I'd share them with you.
So I was on Tumblr tonight, and someone I follow wrote this very accurate post:"I see a lot of people complaining about being single.If y’all think that relationships are all about the “cutesy" and “feelsy" stuff you people are SADLY mistaken. Furthermore if feelings are the basis of your relationship it probably wouldn’t last.Feelings are the most fickle and fragile thing to base anything on, a solid relationship whether intimate or friendly stems from one thing, and that’s commitment. "
Let me tell you how true that is. A lot of it is fun, and you have your moments of pure bliss and no doubts, fights, arguments, annoyances, etc, but they do not come without effort, prayer, tears, and hard times.
When I first began dating Deon I had never even been out on a date let alone a relationship. I was completely clueless and so far I've learned that I have a LOT to learn! I also thought I was pretty good at controlling my feelings and emotions....but when you fall in love with someone that can go all out the window!! :p I am discovering more and more how easy it is to give in to sudden irrational emotions at the drop of a hat, and then realize later they were just fleeting and you were being an immature pain in the butt. However there is hope! With prayer (which I don't do nearly enough,) and sheer effort, you can begin to not act out on those feelings.
I think the most important thing I have learned thus far is to choose my battles. Know what's worth arguing about and what isn't. And be the first to forgive and move on. I don't have a hard time forgiving people usually...grudges is one sin I've never had a hard time with, but MAN being the first to apologize is...especially when I don't think it's my fault! At the end of the day though, it helps you both move on quicker, they begin to do the same to you, and you come to realize that fight wasn't worth taking any further anyway. It's really really a difficult lesson for me to learn. As a person, Deon is not easily angered. He gets frustrated and annoyed, but usually at situations more than people and it takes a lot to truly anger him. I however have a nasty temper and can fly off the handle easily. I'm having to learn to stop looking for ulterior motives, trust him more, and quit getting angry over every dumb little thing. Life is too short!
This can be especially hard in long distance relationships as mine currently is right now. It's easy to grow apart if you don't try to keep a close connection. You could both have different work schedules, be too tired to talk, argue whenever you do because of other problems, and as I realized about myself, I get so cranky because I miss Deon that when I do finally talk to him, I'm a jerk the whole time because I'm mad that I miss him and I'm mad he's not right there with me! Yes I know I'm messed up. ;P
Now I don't want you to think we fight all the time because that's simply not true! In fact this summer has gone by a lot better than last summer did, but a lot of that has to do with our maturity as a couple and because God is slowly doing changes one by one in my heart and in Deon's too. I just thought maybe some of you could relate and maybe get some help out of what I'm learning! Long distance totally sucks, but there are many ways of making it work and lots of fun can still be had. Deon and I like to listen to new music together and do dumb dance moves and make faces, and last night he made cookies and explained the whole process and I helped him count how many cups of flour to put in...it might sound simple but it's a lot of fun. Eventually I usually almost always end up falling asleep on him while he plays Guild Wars and he sings songs he makes up about "Kitty Cat" among other things. We make time to talk to each other at least once a day even if it's only ten minutes no matter how late it is and always work through any issues we have quickly and once they are done they aren't brought up again.
Ted Mosby from one of my favorite shows How I Met Your Mother gives some of the best relationship advice...here's this gem. It's so accurate and I have adopted it as one of my dating rules. ;)
So yeah this has been the most difficult of all for me this summer. I go through periods of depression and self hate. I'll go a week exercising a ton (outside of riding horses at my job) and then I stop completely. I'll go several days eating better and drinking only water and tea, and then suddenly go nut s and devour everything at Taco Bell. I've only lost three pounds, but I keep having to remind myself I didn't gain 30 pounds quickly either. I'm trying to wean myself off soda completely and I am drinking more water than I have in years which is a bonus. I'm also developing less of a craving for junk food most of the time. My main issue is getting myself to work out. I'm hoping once I get to school and have the gym and friends to do it with that will get better too. I know I'm not obese or anything...but I'm all fat and flab. I'm trying to stop hating myself for it...there's lots of things to love about my body and everyone who loves me thinks I'm beautiful as I am. But this is something I need to do for me. I get so discouraged when I see how well others are doing or how they went down a whole two pants sizes..but then I remember this:
My chapter 1 is just beginning. :)
On life and grad school:
I'm a junior now and even though I might be at Lee for an extra semester or year, I need to start looking at grad schools now. I don't know where to start, and after this disaster of a semester I'm so worried my grades will continue to backslide and no school will take me...and after that?? I have to be in the real world and find a job! The thought makes me sick to my stomach and scared as anything, but I have no reason to be because God has me in his hands and He has had my life planned for me before I was even conceived as this verse shows:
My biggest prayers and hopes for this year are for the continuation of building relationships and my vocal abilities, grades that are great, and that I would grow to seek God more and love Him devotedly and entrust my life and abilities to Him because I know I won't get anywhere without it!
I'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store. :)