Monday, April 15, 2013

Mozart, tears, springtime, and change.

It's the week before finals begin and I'm in tears.

This semester has been an incredibly hard one. I thought last semester was bad, academically this one was way worse. I have always struggled with math and the one simple math class I was required to take for my major I am failing right now. I've retaken tests, seen the teacher multiple times, had my dear friend Nick tutor me...and yet I'm still failing.

I am not a crier normally, but this past year I've cried more than I probably ever have before.

I've met with my theory professor, study groups, and a tutor numerous times also in my Theory 3 class which (besides music history) is the bane of every music majors existence here at Lee. Taking it with Dr. Patty is no joke. This week I got back an exam that I got a 46 on after I studied my butt off for and met with him in his office the week before to make sure I studied it right. I can't retake it. I have two more chances to redeem myself but I am very upset.

Besides that I have my UDAE jury this semester which is a pass fail. I either continue to be a music major or I don't. Vocally I have been doing great this semester so I'm not that worried about it but it's still daunting. Plus my piano specific skills exam (now that IS TERRIFYING). I haven't had time to study for it because I've been too busy performing or doing theory/math homework.

Oh and let's not forget rehearsals for the Mozart Requiem coming to you this Saturday! Kill me.

Do you know how much I've done this semester already?

I have

  • Sang at the inauguration of Barack Obama 
  • Competed at NATS
  • Sung at TMEA
  • Performed numerous times with Choral Union
  • Performed numerous times and had a concert with Ladies
  • Learned trumpet, clarinet and guitar
  • Sang in a quartet for my studio recital 
  • Sung in performance seminar
  • Sung in voice lab
  • Plus numerous homework, exams, projects
  • Served at a therapeutic riding center for service hours for a class

Coldplay's opening lyrics to Fix You are a good description of my life right now "When you try your best, but you don't succeed." It's hard not to be angry all the time at myself, my professors, at God when I'm begging for and seeking their help and getting what seems to be silence and I just keep failing over and over again. It feels like I'm drowning.

Thankfully I am dating a man that is willing to tell me what I don't want to hear sometimes. I am stressed and with good reason, but he pointed out that lately I have been nothing but angry, moody, whiny, and taking it out on everyone around me...and how is that going to do anything? And he's right. I'm trying really hard to adjust my attitude. What's done is done and all I can do now is move ahead and keep trying. With that said I have only two more weeks to go and then I move into a dorm apartment for a month and do only two summer classes that hopefully won't go badly. Deon goes home to work and I'll miss him terribly, but it will be good for me to do this and then go home and just work for a summer. And in the fall I won't have ANY MORE THEORY, SIGHT SINGING, OR PIANO EVER AGAIN!!!! I will venture into the world of music history, psychology, recent american history, and hopefully join a new choir. All of those subjects I have a natural tendency to do well in so I am optimistic about my grades. My GPA may barely (if even) be a 3.0 this semester which kills the perfectionist in me...the girl that can never fail and has panic attacks when she does, but maybe this semester was given to me to teach me that I am not my GPA. That I do not have to be perfect. That it's okay to have tough long as you handle them well.

That all said...if anyone does read this blog I need prayers. Desperately. Good luck to anyone who has finals in the next few weeks may God be with you.

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